2026 New Year's Resolutions for Everyone Else
Because making resolutions for yourself isn't as fun
If you’re new to this feature, the back story: More than 10 years ago, on an old blog, I began a tradition of making resolutions for other people. I made resolutions for everyone from celebrities to politicians, businesses to specific friends/family members, society as a whole, etc. Over the course of the year, I’d collect a list of possible resolutions and then release the final cut in late December, sometimes early January. Read the 2025 edition here.
New Year’s Resolutions for Everyone Else: the 2026 Edition
Tear down derelict buildings and sell the land (owner of Randy’s California Inn and adjacent properties). At the corner of Whiskey Bottom Rd. and Route 1, there’s a large former bar/restaurant, Randy’s California Inn, that has been vacant for many years. From what I’ve read it was a popular spot for a long time, but now there’s just a dilapidated building, fencing, and cracked asphalt. Even worse, there are three buildings next to it that are also abandoned and in need of demolition. C’mon, Lamparter, tear down this eyesore and sell the land already! It’s worth over $1.3 million!
Randy’s California Inn in Laurel Stop with the bullshit life hacks (“influencers”). Maybe my algorithm has changed but the volume of irrelevant, unhelpful life hacks on social media is astounding.
Write much less formal texts (Tanya). I love you dearly, girl, and I know it’s you texting me. You can write short messages and leave out the “Hi Corinne” salutation and “Sincerely” signature line.
Break kids of their habitual learned helplessness (parents, teachers). This is only my second year in public education, but I’ve become well acquainted with the mess that is tweens and teens acting like they are incapable of doing anything for themselves. It’s up to the adults in the room to get these kids reading directions, following through on assignments, and learning how to grow the hell up.
Let your daughter enable wifi on your printer (Pops). I spend a lot of time helping Pops with tech issues, from his smartphone to his streaming services. There’s one outstanding issue that he’s pushing back on and that is enabling wifi on his computer printer, which I think may help with his ongoing problem with not being able to use the scanner function.
Follow through with discipline and consequences for students (school administrators). Kids are never going to learn how the real world works if they don’t experience meaningful consequences for bad behavior. A stern talking-to doesn’t work. In-school suspension is like a spa day for them. Time to get punitive.
Clean my eyeglasses every day (Deena). She will fuss over rain or smears on her car windshield but cannot seem to clean her eyeglasses. I told her that her glasses are her face’s windshield, so it should be easy to keep them clean, but she just laughed. Get it together, woman!
Find a more absorbent option for paper towels (school system). The brown paper towels are abundant at Wagstaff, probably because they are so cheap. The problem is that they lack any sort of absorbency, so we wind up using a third of a roll cleaning up the inevitable water spills by kids who think it’s fun to toss around a water bottle. We don’t need name brand paper towels, just something that actually soaks up liquid!
The ubiquitous brown paper towels seen all over the USA. Stop with the sleepwear in public (American society at large). On Christmas Pops had the pleasure of listening to me rant about all the people who think it’s perfectly fine to go out in public in pajama pants. This is why we can’t have nice things, America: y’all are too cozy in your fleecy SpongeBob Square Pants pajamas to focus on what matters. Put on some jeans and go fight against fascism!
Use your damn mask properly (Wagstaff students). What is the point of wearing a KN95 mask if it’s sitting on your chin? Or exposing your nose? Find another stupid fashion trend to follow!
What New Year’s resolution would you make for someone or something else? Tell me in the comments, but keep it kind and keep it clean.