Mean Reds and the Orange Crush

Dealing with depression and anxiety

Ed. Note: I wrote this essay almost exactly a year ago, and what’s wild is that I am feeling similarly today, as I deal with my first-ever bout of COVID (more on that in another post). I did end up going on Effexor for about nine months, and after dealing with side effects that never went away, I tapered off the medication from late December 2023 through early February 2024.

Over the last week I’ve been dealing with eyelid spasms. You ever had those? It’s where your eyelid randomly twitches and spasms. I can see it happening in a mirror, my left eyelid jumping like I’ve administered an electric shock to it. The spasms get bad if I overdo it with the caffeine and I’m way more stressed than I’m acknowledging out loud, whether to myself or anyone else. For the next week I’ll be reducing my coffee and tea intake—decaf and herbal teas only—and that leaves addressing my stress. My body tells me when I am in crisis because I will get heartburn that is so severe the only relief is to throw up. The moments when the heartburn doesn’t progress to actual vomiting are the worst, honestly, because I am scared to do anything. If you are familiar at all with Louise Hay, the author of the book You Can Heal Your Life, then you know she says heartburn comes from being afraid. And I can definitely say I am often afraid.

In my twenties I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I went to three different psychiatrists over a period of seven years, and it wasn’t until the final psychiatrist/therapist combo that I started to feel better. I was more willing to address the issues causing me stress: my career or lack thereof, my marriage, being a stepmom. I had a series of massive anxiety attacks before I learned the tango of anxiety and depression.

I rarely think of my depression as the blues. More often than not, I think of it as the mean reds, a term defined by Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

“Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of,” Holly says. Her resolution is to go to Tiffany’s, the famous jewelry store, because “nothing bad can ever happen to you there.” I get it: surrounding oneself with sensual pleasures, whether it’s looking at expensive jewelry or eating a delicious meal, can definitely be calming. Sometimes, that isn’t enough. All the baguettes, whether from a jeweler or a baker, aren’t going to resolve the root issue. Holly finally figured that out in the movie, thanks to Cat and Paul, but that’s a rom-com for you: it’s going to provide the simplest solution to one’s problems and it’s going to involve a relationship.

Anxiety is the orange crush, for me. Because if I think of depression as red—it can include anger, which I think a number of folks don’t realize—and intense fear as yellow, and I mix them together, that makes anxiety orange. It’s the racing heartbeat that won’t slow down. The litany of tasks running through my brain. The ever-present fear that I will never achieve any of the goals or dreams I claim to have. All of these things running in a loop, especially after waking up, begin to gather speed and volume and weigh heavier and heavier on my chest until I feel completely incapacitated and it is all I can do to get up and perform the most basic tasks.

The last therapist I had before I moved to California offered what, for me, has been the most consistent solution for combating anxiety. He said to write down three tasks I want to complete that day. Some days that might be:

1. Get out of bed

2. Take a shower

3. Get dressed

Other days that might be

1. Go for a walk

2. Write in my journal

3. Take my vitamins

Lately my anxiety stems from feeling like I don’t have enough time to do everything I want to do or need to do. I suspect my age has a lot to do with this newfound feeling of time constraints. It turns into this horrible loop of feeling frozen because where do I even start, and that builds up the anxiety even more until it is crushing me.

What helps me combat the worst of both the mean reds and the orange crush:

1. Journaling

2. Affirmations, written and repeated aloud

3. Exercise

4. Eating less takeout and processed food

5. Spending more time offline

As much as I don’t want to go back on medication to address my depression and anxiety, I know that it will make a huge difference when the reds get way meaner than I can handle on my own, or the orange crush is exceptionally oppressive. No matter what I opt to do, shaming myself—or allowing anyone else to shame me for my mental health—is not helpful. So I do what I can and that includes recognizing when it’s time to get more help beyond what I’m already doing.

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