Where the Blood Runs Hot

After I posted about my pandemic baking, and the process of baking a hummingbird cake as I grieved for my mother, I received positive feedback from unexpected sources: people who rarely if ever comment on my writing and people who I hadn’t spoken to in many years. While the praise was a nice ego stroke at a time when I need reassurance and encouragement, something was off. I knew right away what the problem was, and it was the same problem I had with early drafts of my novel: the writing was solid, but the emotional depth wasn’t there.

Rather than edit the Substack post, I compensated by sharing more on social media. I posted my hummingbird cake photos on Instagram and in my caption, I added the specifics I only alluded to on Substack:

Real talk: my life is a mess these days. One of the few ways I can cope is through baking. Yesterday I baked my first ever hummingbird cake with cream cheese frosting and it turned out delicious. These photos are from the process.

If I am posting baked goods or food, chances are very good that I am having a rough time. A friend recently told me that it's through working with a team and/or finding help that I can be successful in my life. I'm not sure how being vulnerable will help in that regard, but Brene Brown says it will, so here goes:

I am over $20K in debt, I am barely making enough money with client work to pay bills & rent, I have a tooth that needs extraction and my only low-income options are oral surgeons who have shitty reviews. My depression and anxiety are at their worst levels in 7 years. I have no idea what to do next with my life that doesn't involve either bankruptcy or a full-time job, or both.

I say all this because I tend to be exceptionally withdrawn when things are really bad, or I don't adequately express just how bad things are. I am pushing myself to say these things out loud more. Not sure how much of a difference it will make, but I have to try.

The cake is good. Life, not so much.

Instagram post caption after writing about baking the hummingbird cake

Over on Twitter, I tweeted a thread focusing mainly on my career issues and occasionally referencing “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift, a song that spoke to how I’d been feeling for a good part of 2022.