Whoze Bettah Than You?

Ed. Note: The original version of this post appeared on The Girl with Moxie in 2014. It has been updated and edited.

Many years ago I met this guy who I'll call Billy Moretti. He was a dark-haired, muscular Irish-Italian guy originally from Queens and he was smoking hot. The first time we met, I got this jolt in my stomach—the kind of jolt that's only happened to me twice in my life—and we ended up having a very intense, secret-ish fling.

Billy and I had a few conversations about serious topics, such as spirituality and self-esteem. One thing he said to me was a phrase from his old neighborhood: “Whoze bettah than you?” His New York accent made the words even more affirming to me, and I would always say in response, “Nobody.” Sometimes I tried to imitate his accent, sometimes I whispered my answer. But I never changed it. I knew what the answer was.

Nearly ten years ago, a video showing what one woman experienced while walking down the streets of New York City went viral.

The first time I watched this video, I thought about my experiences in big cities of walking down the street and having random men make comments or try to engage me. I learned pretty quickly that my tendency to be engaging and kind with strangers is not a good idea when hoofing it in Times Square, Washington DC, Los Angeles, or Sacramento. There are a lot of freaky folks out there. However, I have to admit that the attention was always a little bit flattering. It meant I wasn't as invisible as I often felt. It suggested that maybe I was doing something right with the way I was dressing or carrying myself if some stranger catcalled me.

I'm not the only woman who's felt this way. "Sidewalk" is a fantastic animated short by Celia Bullwinkel that chronicles a woman's life as she walks down the street. The film made the festival circuit when it first came out and won the Independent Film 1st Prize at the 2013 ASIFA/East Animation Festival.

In an 2014 interview Bullwinkel did with Jessica Goldstein at ThinkProgress, the filmmaker talks about what motivated her to make the film. Conversations with her mother about appreciating catcalls "because when you get older, it goes away" and reading Nora Ephron's essays on aging proved to be a perfect starting place.

I started to really think about how I could make a film that dealt with body acceptance, and how life is more than just how you look or how you feel about yourself being young. Who cares if you get older? Everyone ages at the same rate. We all do it, so why not celebrate it?

I have days when I will put on a little makeup, even if I’m not going anywhere, because it makes me feel good. I spray on some perfume or cologne for the same reason: I want to feel good, and scent is a powerful mood elevator. I was doing these things long before the pandemic kept all of us at home, and I still do them now.

Even with the makeup and perfume, I struggle with my self-image way more often than I want to. It’s been over a year since I decided to let my grey hair grow out and I still second-guess that decision. I can look in the mirror and think I look super cute, yet I might go outside and encounter ageist people—or receive compliments from women on my silvery shag. I was able to release 25 pounds during the height of the pandemic, only to have it return as menopause and depression hit me full force in mid-2022. Shaming myself for the way my body and looks have changed doesn’t do anything except make me feel more ashamed. I'm not getting catcalls, nor do I want them at this point in my life, but there are days when I crave outside validation. Some days all the affirmations I use to help me navigate through moments of self-doubt and insecurity are not enough.

Going back to that interview with Bullwinkel, I find this line that resonates with me more now than it did a decade ago:

Learning to love how your body is always changing, it’s an organic thing, it’s allowed to grow and expand and shrink and do amazing things like produce lives. And I really think that people who try to fight that, whose bodies are not in the realm of their control, I think [struggle]. I hope this film will help them realize that this is what your body is meant to do, and it’s okay. Everyone ages. We all do it, and why not do it together?

Some days the fatigue of living in an aging body overwhelms me and feeling anything but frustration over time’s effects is impossible. No amount of perfume will help on those days, nor will lipstick and mascara. And coloring my hair again? While that might perk me up for a little while, the maintenance would be just as exhausting, if not more so, than it was for 20-plus years.

Some days, however, I find it easier to accept that my body is changing and I can love myself just as I am in that moment. I look in the mirror and allow the judgments to fall away. I say to my reflection, “this is what we’re working with” and nod at myself. I take this Corinne with me when I try on clothes or swimsuits, because she knows that shaming myself isn’t the path to feeling good about myself. All that ever does is continue to perpetuate shame and judgment, and I have no interest in either of those things.

Bullwinkel also added something that reminded me a lot of Billy’s phrase:

…even if it takes you until the end of your life to change your outlook, change your mindset, about who you are, it’s never too late. You can learn to love yourself at any age in your life.

A couple years ago, I found Billy’s profile on Facebook. His hair has gone grey, too. He may have lost a bit of his muscular physique, and maybe he even has a little paunch going on. I couldn’t find any photos that indicated otherwise, but like Bullwinkel says, our bodies are allowed to grow and expand and shrink, so it’s possible. Even now, I still hear Billy's voice in my head, and my own voice, too, asking, “Whoze bettah than you?” My answer is, as always, “Nobody.”