Living in the Conditional

The coulds, woulds, and might have beens that haunt me

Even after 15 years, I still mourn for Momcat on her birthday. Sometimes my grief is a deep dark well, based on what is happening in my life at that time. Other times the grief sneaks up on me, a presence I feel behind me, waiting to overtake me when I'm least expecting it.

Over the years I have done my best to avoid living in the conditional tense when it comes to Momcat. While I consider how she might respond to world events and celebrity deaths if she were here with me now, I also remind myself to not put words in the mouths of those who are no longer here on this plane of existence. Would she have been upset over the winner of the 2024 presidential election? Most likely. But is that relevant to me now? Not really.

It's much harder to avoid living in the conditional when it comes to myself. I am notorious for concocting different scenarios in my head and then responding to them with "I would..." The number of times I've written in my journal "if X happens I will be Y" or "I would be so [insert emotion here] if A happens" is hard to count.

I don't really understand why I'm like this. What is it in me that feels this need to project into the future? An Aquarian trait gone rogue, maybe? Years ago I worked with someone who jokingly called me Cassandra as I'd predicted the likely outcome of our company’s acquisition by a major publishing house, but no one believed me.¹ "Citizens of Troy!" she yelled at me, laughing. She's not wrong. I have a long history of predicting events or outcomes that are initially ignored. Several months after I left that job, I got an email from my old boss telling me I'd been right, which felt good—but it would be nice to be believed from the start.

Does this Cassandra complex of mine impact my internal, more personal predictions, though? Is it the reason why I am so quick to live in the conditional: I want to be prepared for the worst—or the best? And are there times when using conditional tense is warranted?

The issue is getting so caught up in the could, would, and should that I struggle to stay present. The "what if" game is excellent for generating new writing, particularly fiction. But for paying attention to what's happening here and now? Not helpful.

I see kids at Wagstaff who struggle with anxiety, caught up in what might happen when they don’t complete classwork on time or they get in trouble with a teacher. I see kids who are self-assured or cocky in one classroom, only to be shy and nervous in another. The what-ifs overwhelm them, and sometimes it's hard to reassure them that everything will work out okay. Then there are other students who act and react without considering potential consequences; they obviously don't give a damn about getting in trouble or a call being made to their parents. Those kids may never learn the need to consider the conditional.

When it comes to Momcat, some variables don't change. She would have been 82 today. She could still have major health issues, based on her history. She and I might have continued to struggle with our relationship. Now that she's a companion spirit, however, there's no way I can confirm with 100% certainty anything she'd say or do. And sometimes that lack of confirmation is a source of grief.

But more often than not, I'm relieved she is no longer here in her body to experience many of the events that have brought sadness and loss to so many. To be here calling or emailing me about whatever tragedy has occurred globally or locally, or in a region where we have family or friends. To complain about politicians or celebrities. Or to inform me about her latest aches and pains.

I doubt I'll ever be able to fully divest from my conditional tense way of thinking. This method of ruminating is a big part of my personality. The key is to not let it dictate how I live my life, whether that's related to daily decisions and choices, or five-year plans, or whatever. Keeping the immediate in focus without losing sight of past experiences or staring off into the future is the goal. With lots of practice, I can get there without any conditions being necessary or required.

1. A few years earlier, I’d seen this same company acquire my former employer, another publishing house, so my prediction was based on previous experience.