My Life Lessons List, Revisited
Revisiting a list I gave my stepdaughter 23 years ago
In the spring of 2001, I was living in southern California and navigating life as a 30-year-old woman who had separated from her husband a year earlier. I had left behind an 11-year-old stepdaughter, Zia*, who I deeply cared about even as I struggled to co-parent her. When I left my marriage, I left Zia, too, and that was incredibly hard for both of us. “I feel like I’m losing my best friend,” she told me during our last visit together at my estranged husband’s new apartment in the Maryland suburbs. We sat on the floor of her bedroom talking about puberty and periods and other changes she would go through without me there. It was gut wrenching, both of us crying over the end of our relationship, and yet I knew that living in California was the best thing for me at that time.
I hadn’t seen Zia in about a year when I typed up a three-page letter to her with 10 tips that I thought she should know. “I may only be 30 years old, but I’ve learned a few things and it would have been nice if someone had told me these things when I was eleven,” I wrote. We maintained contact off and on for several years, but it had been mostly off until April 2020, when Zia PM’ed me on Facebook to let me know she still had that letter. Here’s part of what she wrote:
I have read [the letter] at least once a year. A different part always helping me thru life. Today I needed that letter in its entirety. I hope this is not too much. Just had to let you know I know you loved me and I thank you.
Maya Angelou once said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” This quote came to mind as I read her message, tears rolling down my face. For her to have held on to that letter through all those years, and used it as a guidepost in her life? Damn.
That message opened the door to more communication between us. Recently Zia got a bachelor’s degree, and is a single mom of two kids. We haven’t been able to meet in person, but I think of her often, full of pride of who she is and what she’s accomplished in her life. In honor of Zia’s recent achievements and her birthday this past week1, I am revisiting that list, and adding a few updates.
Corinne’s Top Ten List, 2001
Remember to cleanse, tone, and moisturize every morning and night. I showed you this three-step process because it will make a world of difference in your skin. Plus it’s nice to start off the day and finish it up with a clean, fresh-smelling face. 2024 edition: And use sunblock when you go outside!
Don’t be afraid to apologize or accept an apology graciously. I told you once that it takes effort to apologize and mean it, but it also requires effort to accept one honestly. This is something you will learn with lots of practice. 2024 edition: I’m sure you’ve learned after all these years that many apologies are bullshit. The use of the word “if” in any apology tells you right away that the person apologizing doesn’t feel any kind of way about your feelings or experience. Those “apologies” are the ones you can give the side-eye to and refuse to accept.
If someone finds out you did something wrong and brings it to your attention, acknowledge it, offer to make things right if needed, and then move on. This will come in very handy when you start working because believe me, this will happen a lot. #4 goes along with this one. 2024 edition: Still good advice.
Laugh a lot, especially at mistakes you make. You are only human and the only way you can learn is by making mistakes. 2024 edition: 10/10, no notes.
Learn to speak another language fluently. You have an advantage in that you know Spanish, so be sure to use it a lot outside of home. It can really help you out in many situations and make you a valuable asset to any employer. 2024 edition: Claro que si—and that’s the extent of my Spanish language skills.
Don’t forget how to play. Break out the Barbies every once in a while and have tea with them. Paint a silly picture. Toss a ball around outside. It will help keep you young at heart. 2024 edition: Yes, yes, yes. I’m sure those kids of yours make playtime extra fun now, and I hope you have your own play time, too.
Read a lot, and make sure you read all types of books: fiction and nonfiction, history and psychology, science and art. It will make you a well-rounded person and will also make you a valued player in trivia games with your friends. 2024 edition: Yes to the power of ten!
When you fall in love, remember to enjoy every moment with your sweetie for what it is. If you break up, be gentle with their heart—no matter how angry you are, or how mean they were, it’s easier to just say “it’s not working” and walk away with your head held high. Believe me, YOUR heart will heal more quickly that way. 2024 edition: Decent advice, especially for a tween. But if a partner becomes abusive in any way, then it’s time to ask for help from others and go to law enforcement as needed. Establishing clear boundaries with romantic partners—and with yourself—on what constitutes unacceptable behavior, and what happens if the boundaries are not honored, is always a good idea.
My mom always said, “There will always be people you will have to walk on eggs around.” It’s very true. Be nice to everyone, even the jerks you can’t stand. If you absolutely can’t be nice to them, then ignore them. Eventually they will reap what they sow. 2024 edition: I got Momcat’s quote wrong, it’s “there will always be people you will have to walk on eggshells around.” I learned better editing skills over the years, fortunately. Rather than being nice, be kind and compassionate. Nice, for me, implies more fluid boundaries and way more emotional labor, while kind suggests thoughtful interactions that don’t mean you have to sacrifice your own comfort in order to make someone else happy.
Mom also said, “Hold your mouth different.” This works for everything from unscrewing the lid on a jar of peanut butter to dealing with a difficult boss. Look at things in a new way and you’ll be surprised what you can achieve. 2024 edition: Still true. New perspectives, whether it’s changing the set of your jaw or thinking outside of your own experiences, can help you reach your goals.
What would be on your list of advice for a tween—or a thirtysomething?
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Yes, she’s an Aquarius too! I love my people.