New Year's Resolutions for Everyone Else
Because making them for yourself isn't as fun
More than 10 years ago, on an old blog, I began a tradition of making resolutions for other people. I made resolutions for everyone from celebrities to politicians, businesses to specific friends/family members, society as a whole, etc. Over the course of the year, I’d collect a list of possible resolutions and then release the final cut in late December, sometimes early January.
Since I’m actively using Substack for essays and other content, and folks love the Friday Bitch and Brag, I decided it was time to revive this favorite personal tradition. Without further ado, I bring you…
Offer the capability to mute background music on stories/reels/posts (Meta and TikTok). Nothing is more annoying to me than to be subjected to a loud, distracting tune while trying to watch a video online, and I cannot find a way to turn off the music and actually focus on the content.
Fix your search tools (NY Times, Washington Post). I will see a story on Facebook from either one of these media outlets, but when I go to their websites or into the apps to find the article and read it, the search tool pulls up everything BUT the article I want.1 Sometimes the search results go back to an article dating from the Nixon administration, at which point I start cursing and give up looking.
Stop making disgusting limited edition flavors (soda manufacturers). In the time I’ve lived with HM, his buddy has brought over at least a dozen different limited edition sodas to try out, and all of them have tasted awful. What is the point of this? How old are these R&D folks, anyway? Ten? Because that’s how old I was the last time I mixed five different types of soda and drank it.
Proofread the auto-generated closed captions before posting (video creators). Yes, yes, time is of the essence in posting content online. But do not sacrifice quality for speed. Otherwise there are ridiculous errors and spelling mistakes that can radically alter your message. I’m looking at you, the “Pennies from Heaven/Panties from Heaven” closed caption writers.
Stop insisting on use of smartphone apps, mobile devices, or other technology (businesses and service providers). You want to piss off technology-challenged people? Tell them to download an app or send an email or pay online. It’s not just seniors who may struggle with these kinds of requests, by the way—there are plenty of people under the age of 60 who prefer to avoid using any sort of online tool to pay bills, buy products/services, make travel arrangements, etc.
Deal with your problem children (Republicans). I do not need to name names or add links, because then this post would be infinitely longer and we don’t have that kind of time. If you want to appease your constituents you’re going to need to put a few of the worst offenders in the Time Out Corner.
Stop being ageist idiots (cashiers at Harris-Teeter). I know my regular readers will know why this is here. I haven’t shopped at MF’ing Harris-Teeter for many months because these twits at two different locations see my natural grey hair and decide I must be over 60 years old and in need of a senior discount. For the record, their discount is a paltry 5% and any true senior should be yelling at them to stop stealing from old people.
Take an active role in loading and unloading the dishwasher (HM). I gotta admire HM’s commitment to avoiding the dishwasher, going so far as to use a plastic fork just so he doesn’t have to open the dishwasher and perhaps be obligated to put away the clean dishes, glassware, and utensils. But we both live here, dude, and we both use the same kitchen. Please, please, HM, for the love of Corningware, put away the silverware when the little sign says CLEAN and put your glasses in the top rack when the sign says DIRTY.
Fix your iMessage so we can actually have text conversations (Wyatt). I always enjoy conversations with Wyatt, whether in person or over text, but because he’s relying mainly on iMessage on his Mac to send and receive texts, he doesn’t see texts from his friends on Android phones, like me. I used my mad Google skills to find out that he could get the Android texts if he made some minor adjustments to his iPhone settings, and sent him the link, but I don’t think he’s fixed it yet. Come on, man! You’re missing some of my best jokes!
Stop incentivizing Nazis and white supremacists to use this platform (Substack executives). There’s a lot that I like about Substack, and yet their willful ignorance when it comes to addressing their Nazi problem troubles me. I hate the idea of having to leave here and set up this newsletter elsewhere, right when I feel I’m hitting my stride. But I hate even more the idea that Substack will continue to harbor voices that only amplify hate.
What New Year’s resolution would you make for someone or something else? Tell me in the comments, but keep it clean or else you will be unceremoniously blocked.
I don’t open the articles in Facebook because it doesn’t always take me to the NY Times or Washington Post app if I’m using my phone.