(Not All of) The Kids are Alright

Highlights from the first 3 weeks of middle school

*All identifying information has been changed.

It hasn’t quite been a month since I started work as a daily building substitute at Wagstaff Middle School, but based on the adventures I’ve had, it feels like it’s been much longer. Here are some of the memorable, often amusing moments.

Week 1

I spent my first day acting as a paraeducator for special ed classes, a job which is physically and emotionally demanding even if you do have professional training (which I don’t). It was my first real look at how much teachers, aides, paraeducators and student assistants are expected to do every day at work—and I can confirm it is a LOT.

I covered several lunch periods, and took one sixth grade boy to the health room when his loose tooth came out while eating. He was extremely polite to me & everyone else, and I nearly asked him if he happened to have a single uncle, but I refrained.

Some kids remind me of celebrities, sometimes to the point that I have a hard time remembering their real names. There’s Baby Ed Sheeran, Tween Linda Cardellini, and Todd Bridges Doppelganger, to name a few.

None of these people are my students. But three of my students kinda look like them. L to R: Ed Sheeran, Linda Cardellini, "Diff'rent Strokes" cast photo with Todd Bridges on far right.

Week 2

On Thursday morning, a sixth grade girl unsuccessfully attempted to intimidate me. I lived in West Baltimore, child, you cannot scare me. You're going to sit down when I ask you to and I do not care if your legs hurt.

There are way too many kids who wear musician or band t-shirts that predate the wearer’s existence by at least 30 years. I’ve seen shirts for Nirvana, Ramones, AC/DC, Pink Floyd, and Bob Marley. I ask the kids for song names, but these children are not checking source materials before they get dressed. I’ve started a list in Google Sheets to track these kids and next month, I’m going to start demanding song titles. But the first kid I see in a Duran Duran t-shirt is going to be sent home with a warning: “Don’t even THINK about wearing that to school again until you write a ten-page essay on the effects of the band members’ outside projects, including but not limited to solo albums, from 1986 until the early 2000s.”

At the end of the week, I covered a music class that was 90% boys, all but two of them loud and obnoxious. This class was difficult but also provided some of the most entertainment, including a moment where I threw their own slang back at them to let them—and Mr. Thackeray, another daily building sub—know NONE of them were sigma.¹

Me, to very slim 8th grade boy in too-big jeans: Hey, it looks like you need a belt there.

Boy: Yeah, I know, but it's okay, I have these shorts on underneath. *He lets his jeans drop and shows his shorts, which are sweatshirt-type material.*

Me, trying not to laugh: Pull your pants back up, dude. Buying a belt needs to be at the top of your weekend shopping list.

7th grade boy, standing by landline phone in classroom: I need to call my mom, can I call my mom?

Me: No, the school day is going to be over in 15 minutes.

Boy: But I want to call my mom.

Me: Your mom is doing just fine. Trust me.

Week 3

I covered ALS² classes two days in a row, and most of the students were ones I worked with on my first day of school. One boy, Luca, is nonverbal but will occasionally speak clearly. One of the paraeducators says to him, “Say hi to Ms. Litchfield,” and he tilts his head to the side and says, “Well, hi.”

Me to Isaiah, a neurodivergent kid who I met the first day of school: I'm Ms. Litchfield, do you remember me?

Isaiah: Unfortunately.

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I’ve gotten to know several teachers fairly well, including Ms. Howard, who teaches social studies. We’ve talked about everything from baking to politics, fountain pens to reading. I brought her some homemade apple pie and she said, “I think you’re my new best friend!” On Wednesday, I’m assigned to cover her afternoon classes, so I visited her morning classes to get familiar with today's lesson plan. She asked me to introduce myself & share one fun fact, so I said, “I'm a writer and I like metaphors and similes.” I followed up with this example: “Ms. Howard, you're not a pencil, but you stay sharp.” She’s laughing and grinning, as is her paraeducator, but one 7th grade girl sat in the back row, rolling her eyes & shaking her head.

I walked over to her and said, “You didn't like that?”

“It was SO bad!” she said.

“Like a dad joke?” I reply.

“My dad's jokes are WAY better than that!”

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Thursday morning was so awful that I nearly walked out: several rowdy, disrespectful kids in a first period reading/writing class shook me to the point I called Vice Principal Jacobson, and Principal Spoors came in as well. Fortunately I had time alone in the next classroom to collect myself before the students came back from school photos in the gym. As I tucked away my tissue & phone, I heard a boy outside the door saying, “That’s the sigma lady!”

7th grade girl: I need to go to the health room for an ice pack.

Me: Why? What happened?

Girl: So here’s what happened. I pulled out my chair in my last class and I hit my knee really hard. I may have fractured it.

Me: Honey, you would not be standing up right now if you fractured your knee.

Girl: It really hurts, though. I think it’s fractured.

Me, shaking my head & writing out a hall pass: Go to the health room for an ice pack and don’t dawdle in the hallway.

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On Friday morning, I helped a sweet 7th grader who had an anxiety attack in class. We went into the hallway & did some breathing exercises together & talked a lot, including about the animated film, Inside Out 2, which features a character representing anxiety. I offered her a hug and she accepted, and after that she went to student services for help³, and came back feeling much better.

…to be continued…

1. Slang for cool, popular, successful, an “alpha male” type but one who’s humble about being so cool.

2. Academic Life Skills. Classwork covers functional academics, mobility, independent living.

3. She’d struggled with anxiety her first year in middle school, and had gotten help from the school counselors in the past.